


for you are my fate, my sweet

by jillyfae



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Fluff, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Canon, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 06:27:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jillyfae/pseuds/jillyfae
Summary: Alec does not propose to Magnus at first sight. He does not propose on their first date, or their second. He does not propose the first time they make love, or when they first tell each otherI love you. He doesn't propose. Magnus isn't ready. They're not ready. Not quite yet. But he wants to...





	for you are my fate, my sweet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lynne_monstr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lynne_monstr/gifts).



> I am 500% a sap, so the title of this is from [_i carry your heart with me_](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poetrymagazine/poems/49493/i-carry-your-heart-with-mei-carry-it-in) because it is e.e. cummings' most famous romantic poem and I could NOT resist. [[tumblr](http://faejilly.tumblr.com/post/179859054218)]

Alec does not propose to Magnus at first sight.

He almost thinks it during that first proper introduction, that first look at the breadth of his shoulders and the warmth of his smile and the spark of magic in his eyes. _Please, look at me like that forever._

Once he’s finally stopped hiding behind Jace and Lydia and the Lightwood name, once he’s finally chosen to remember that look in Magnus’ eyes, he allows himself to imagine a world where he said that out loud, asked for that forever. He imagines a kinder world, one where his parents had raised him to believe in the impossible rather than required him to do it every day. He wonders about that world, kinder to both of them, a world that had never taught Magnus that other people couldn’t be trusted with all of him, a world that never tried to convince him that he was always _too much._ He wonders if in that world, Magnus would have said yes.

When Izzy teases him before their first date, _you’re gonna have beautiful babies together,_ he can’t ignore the lurch of hope in his chest, though he tries to cover it with a joke.

“Yes, of course, I’ve known him for five minutes, and for most of that time I was an asshole to him. I’m absolutely going to start the night with a proposal, that’ll go over well.”

Izzy laughs. “Well there are all sorts of _proposals_ aren’t there? Plenty of reasons to be down on a knee or two.”

He throws his boot at her. She dodges easily, and he hears her laughing all the way down the hallway as she escapes.

He does not make either sort of proposal that night, though he can feel how much he wants them both, an almost beautiful weight somewhere between his lungs, an ache that makes it difficult to remember how to breathe.

He doesn’t propose on their second date, either, though Magnus still makes him breathless.

He suspects that Magnus will always make him breathless.

He doesn’t propose the first time they make love or the first time they say _I love you._

He’s gotten used to it now, that weight resting in his chest between his heartbeats, between his breaths, so used to it he forgets he’s never said it. He thinks it must be obvious when he tells Magnus _I don’t think I can live without you._ He's afraid that he's given it away without asking properly, and Magnus deserves to be asked properly, deserves to know that someone chose him, has chosen, will always choose Magnus. Alec thinks it's so clear that for him this is forever.

But apparently not.

He’s glad he he’s managed to keep that secret when despite the fact that the loft is his home, that Magnus is the only home he’s ever really known, he realizes that Magnus does not feel the same way about Alec, that he doesn’t need Alec’s heartbeat beside him in quite the same way, that Magnus doesn’t want _his_ home to be _their_ home.

It hurts almost as much as the day Magnus walked away from him, from them, and Alec spends the whole day breathless for entirely different reasons than usual.

He and Izzy and Jace were his comrades in arms, they were all each others refuge in hostile territory. His siblings are more important to him than his own life, but even they could never make the Institute more than a fortress, could never turn it into their home. He'd thought he'd found it at last, that Magnus would want...

But Magnus doesn’t need what he needs, want what he wants, not in this, not yet.

He thinks he understands a bit better now, the way Magnus is so very cautious about letting parts of himself free where Alec can see them. Thinks he understands a small part of what Magnus means when he makes it so clear that no one has ever loved him back in the way he needed. Never loved him back as much as he loved them. Alec knows it's not the same, knows that Magnus loves him, knows that their timing's just... off. But he can see it now, the steps from how he feels right now to the sort of heartbreak Magnus has survived.

He doesn't know how Magnus survived; he can still barely _breathe._

He knows better than to bring it up before Magnus leaves for Edom, or when he returns. Not when he sacrificed so much of himself for the rest of the world, for Jace. Not when he sacrificed because of Alec.

Alec still wants his forever, but he doesn’t want Magnus to think it’s situational, afraid of loss, scared of the future. Doesn’t want it to be tainted by guilt or despair. It’s supposed to be about _joy._

They’re not very good at joy.

They’re getting better.

He still hopes, every night, in those moments after he closes his eyes and before he falls asleep.

He doesn’t propose when he does officially move in. He doesn't propose on a holiday, on New Year's or Valentine's or their anniversary, even though it’s seemed for awhile now that the world finally  _isn’t_ about to end. Magnus isn’t ready.

Alec plans it, tweaking the possibilities every time he’s got a few moments free, every time he lingers half-awake in the morning, trying to remember his dreams. _What if…_

He doesn’t propose. He wants to. Jace asks him when they’re going to set a date already, as if it’s overdue, as if marriage is an easy thing for a gay Shadowhunter and an immortal Warlock, and actually winces at the glare Alec gives him.

No one else says anything, though he catches a few arch glances from Izzy, glimpses shared looks between her and Clary, even from Simon and Maia and Luke and his mother. They all seem to think it’s _easy,_  think that he and Magnus will always be together, that neither of them have had to put in any _work_  to keep it that way _._

_Relationships take effort._

By now Alec’s carried that ache in his chest for so long he can’t tell anymore, can’t tell what’s hope or despair, what’s true or what’s fear. Magnus wasn’t ready, but now the weight of his past seems visibly lighter on his shoulders, the tone of his voice is sweeter when reminiscing. They're changing together, each moment they're easier and stronger and more comfortable together, day by day by day.

He doesn’t propose. He's afraid he's waited too long, isn't sure how to do it now. He knows what it feels like to want when Magnus doesn't... but he thinks maybe they’re finally ready.

He tests the waters. He talks about the future more. Makes sure Magnus knows he means it in years, in decades, not just days or weeks or even months. He asks Cat about Warlock rituals, knows perfectly well she'll mention it to Magnus. He researches the Clave's history, what they did back when marrying someone other than another Shadowhunter didn't automatically mean exile and de-runing.

He leaves his books on the coffee-table.

That's the one that finally does it.

"Are you trying to tell me something, Alexander?" Magnus' voice is quiet, not quite teasing, his fingers trailing across the spine of one of the books, his gaze carefully aimed down instead of at Alec's face.

"Yeah." Alec snorts, the words falling out of his mouth before his brain can stop them. "Pretty much since I met you."

Magnus starts to roll his eyes with an abrupt huff of his breath, but he stops as he's turning and sees Alec's face directly. His mouth forms an _oh,_ but he doesn't actually say anything. His glamour's up, and his shoulders are stiff, and his fingers are too still.

Alec wants to shake his head at himself, but manages to rein it in; Magnus would probably think it was aimed at him instead. But Alec had _plans,_ he'd had so many plans, and he just fucked them all up. He supposes that's normal enough to be appropriate.

"I’ll always choose you." Alec isn't sure what else he can say that he hasn't before, so he stands up, steps close enough to kiss Magnus' forehead. "I love you, and whenever you're ready, let me know."

Alec turns around, but doesn’t make it back to the couch before Magnus interrupts.

"I'm ready." Magnus' voice is breathier than usual, perhaps, but warm and steady enough for Alec to know he means it.

_Oh._

Alec turns back. Magnus' eyes are gold, and his smile is like nothing Alec's ever seen before, a trembling sort of smile, anticipation, joy, hope; Magnus is somehow, impossibly, even more beautiful than usual.

"Good to know," Alec manages, and he feels like he's going to float away now that the heavy ache in his chest is gone.

Magnus' smile widens, and his shoulders start to shift with a graceful back and forth, just like when he'd introduced himself back when they first met.

"I had a whole plan, you know." Alec steps closer, closer, reaches out until he can take Magnus' hands in his own. "Several possible variations of, in fact."

"Did I just ruin them?" Magnus lifts an eyebrow. His expression is smooth, but there's a hint of a tremble in his voice.

"Of course not." Alec lets go of Magnus' hands, trails his fingers up silk sleeves until he can hold Magnus' face between his hands, can feel the familiar shape of his jaw against his palms. "This is perfect. Marry me, Magnus?"

"Right now?"

Alec laughs, delighted by the spark in Magnus' eyes, the smirk warming his face. "I suppose there's probably a Downworld chapel in Vegas somewhere? I'm sure we could find one that would let us elope."

Alec feels Magnus' hands settle along his waist, watches as Magnus shakes his head with a low chuckle. "Isabelle would kill us."

"I would rather not get murdered by my sister," Alec nods. "Besides, _I have met you._ You need to throw an engagement party first. And a wedding reception. And possibly a few more things in there I haven't thought of yet."

Magnus hums in thought, before deigning to agree with a small nod. "Fair point. You're so clever."

"You're planning the party in your head already aren't you?" Alec nudges Magnus' foot with his own.

"Perhaps," Magnus agrees.

"Before you answer the question?"

Magnus' eyes widen, and he swallows a noise that sounds suspiciously like a snicker. "Didn't I?"

Alec attempts a pout, though he's much too delighted to be convincing, and shakes his head.

"Well then." Magnus leans forward until their noses just brush, until Alec can feel the warmth of Magnus' breath against his mouth. "Yes, I would love to marry you."

Alec lifts his chin just enough for their lips to touch. He kisses Magnus like it's the first time he's ever had the privilege, like it's the continuation of every other kiss they've ever had, like it's a promise for more of them in the future. It's soft, so soft, and warms Alec all the way down to his toes and back up again.

Alec never wants it to end.

He never wants any part of his life with Magnus to end.

And he knows, as their lips slowly part and Magnus tugs him towards the bedroom _to celebrate their engagement,_ that Magnus feels the same way.


End file.
